Tell me how you really feel...

I have been thinking a lot about what I wanted to write about today, just sorting through ideas and what not. And as I was researching one topic another one came to mind. I was researching what Attachment Parenting was and I clicked on a tab dedicated to the API view on discipline. If you want to find out about AP I will write a blog about it one day, until then just visit their website here. Whether or not you are for, against, or indifferent to AP, they have a good point in their beliefs and I like what I have read so far.

So, I guess you're wondering what the topic is huh? It's negative emotions. Yes, researching parenting techniques led me to want to write about negative emotions. Not just in general, but my own.

I want to point out that I know no one cares about my personal problems and it's my own fault for whatever may come from me discussing my feelings to the internet. I also want to point out I don't care. And for those that know me, I never want to discuss this post in "real life". Ever. Moving on.

I finally admitted to myself that I am a very angry person and I have been for a long time. I'm not sure why. I have a job that pays the bills (most days), a husband that loves me (most days), two sons that I wouldn't trade for the whole world (most days), and great friends (most days). Perhaps a good therapist is in my future haha. I have been struggling a lot this year with my negative emotions, mainly my anger. As a family we weren't communicating very well. There were a lot of changes happening in our life and it was easier to ignore the problems then to face them. It greatly impacted my marriage and not in a good way. I was just angry all the time. I have heard and read that anger is a secondary emotion; meaning that an emotion such as fear or sadness causes the angry emotion.

To me anger is a three layer issue.

1. Something causes a negative emotion, exhaustion perhaps.

2. Something stirs up all your emotions; let's say a snarky comment from your significant other.

3. Your brain chooses another emotion, anger. It's so much easier to be angry and say ugly things than to eloquently express how much you didn't like it. And it's even easier to be angry when that is always the go to emotion; it's what you're used to.

4. A three hour screaming fight ensues followed by an hour of crying. (I may or may not have firsthand experience.)

All this happened because you were tired. Ok, so that seems to be a four layer issue, but you know they vary. Until you realize what emotion prompted the anger emotion you'll never get to the root of the problem. It's not always so easy to admit "I'm afraid" or "I'm sad".

Since having the baby a month ago I have experienced a bit of the "baby blues", it happens to a lot of women and as I read in my "going home" packet from the hospital so do some men. A baby impacts your life in so many ways, often times you don't even realize how much. For instance, I am not yet ready to take a shower when I am home alone with the baby. Which really stinks when you stink? With those baby blues a lot of anger has come with them. So in theory there have been a lot of other negative emotions on top of other negative emotions. Now, don't get me wrong I haven't been this happy with my life in a long time. For the second time, my life has been changed forever, for the better by a little baby boy and I could never imagine a life without Linc and HB. Hearing my oldest son tell me how much he loves his little brother melts my heart and tells me I have done at least one thing right with that kid. I taught him to love.

Still, you can't predict or over rule how your body or mind decides to feel. Good or bad.

I was thinking the other day about the term "Mother's guilt". Generally it refers to the guilt one's mother gives their children. You know the "I gave up being a Vegas show girl to raise your kids and you can't even bring me flowers on my birthday." type guilt. Because it was TOTALLY your choice for your mother to raise you instead of living her dreams. No, I mean the guilt WE feel as mothers. Mothers get judged a lot. "Oh, you're not breast feeding?" or "You put your baby in short sleeves? It's 70 degrees outside. The wind might BLOW!!" Then there are the 50 million other times we judge ourselves or make ourselves feel guilty. "I shouldn't be mad that my kid wants to behave like one when I want him to behave like an adult. He doesn't get to be a kid nearly as long as he has to be an adult." or "If I could stay home and not work, my house would be clean all the time, I would teach them French, and serve a home cooked meal." There are a million other situations, but all of them have a negative effect. They hurt our feelings, cause worry, and make us feel inadequate. In other words, it sucks. Maybe that's why women feel the need to pass along the guilt? Misery loves company?

So what do you do when you're overwhelmed, tired, stressed, sad, feeling guilty, afraid, and angry all at once? How do you figure out what feeling is creating the anger? How do you deal with your emotions properly? How do you make yourself happy? How do you express what you are really feeling and not just the anger? No really, I want to know. I haven't got a clue.

I do know one thing. Recognizing you are having emotional problems is the first step. Especially if those are feelings of harming yourself or others. Every person has someone they are meant to save and vice versa.

All the things that create my negative emotions are the things that create my positive emotions. That's just how it works. I guess I have to try harder to let go and enjoy them.